Episode 14: Happy Birthday, Margot Burgess

12:46 PM
rick
What's up
hi rick
haaaaaaaappy caturday
lol get it
No.
ok well see its like saturday
but instead of sat
I was kidding, I get it.
pretty funny right
i made it up
i know a whole Internet's worth of people who might argue with that
which part
both.
rude
1:23 PM
rick
rick
rick
what
why are you at work today anyway
Remember what happened earlier this week?
go on
When you freaked out and I had to come home.
can you be more specific
The incident with the toilet.
refresh my memory
Lou. You flooded my bathroom. Do you seriously not remember this?
oh that
sure i remember that
what i dont remember is thanking you for rescuing sgt mcfuzzies
and mr beaniebutt
and happy carrot
and mrs beaniebutt
so thank you rick
though i cant seem to find any of them now
I'm sure they'll turn up. Anyway
To deal with the half-inch of water running down my hall
I had to make another trade with my boss to come in to work on the weekend.
really
you should work on your bargaining skills rick
or let me do it
i could have that guy asking you to go home
I don't doubt it.
so when will you be back
Hopefully in the next couple of hours.
2:49 PM
rick
Lou, what the hell just happened
rick you gotta see this man
there are police cars and fire trucks in the street
So I've heard, the neighbor just called
oh yeah which one
Funny enough, it was Mr. Burgess, from the house across the street
The one with all of the emergency vehicles in front of it
what a coincidence
so how is he anyway
we never hang out
nice guy
weird dog though
He's angry, Lou. I think you know why.
the sirens probably
very annoying
No, he seems pretty upset about his daughter's birthday party being ruined
oh no what happened
You know what happened! You were there!
no no i must have left before that
everything was pretty awesome when i was there
Not from what I heard.
hmmmm
no pretty sure it was great
rick they had a pony
a pony rick
and a petting zoo
rick they had a magician
super cool rick
Sounds terrific.
oh and cake of course
Let's start with that pony.
dont hire that pony
cute but very jumpy
he went nuts and busted through their fence
So I heard.
Do you think maybe the pony only became jumpy when you attacked it?
first of all im not interested in philosophical dead ends
second
attack is an unfair word
i was grooming him
its a thing
Apparently you were hanging upside down from his neck
right
This is grooming?
if you do it right it is
i am nothing if not thorough
And the part after that?
very thorough
Moving on: is there anything you need to tell me about the petting zoo?
it was wonderful
adorable
And...?
thats all
Are you sure there wasn't an incident, perhaps involving a goat
hmmm no i dont remember a goat
or a sheep
I didn't ask you about the sheep yet.
well i dont remember one
And you don't remember opening the gate.
nope
And you don't remember chasing a goat and a sheep out of the pen and into the Burgess house.
seems like id remember that
And you don't remember herding them around the kitchen on a terrified rampage that ended with them both diseappearing through the front door covered in a variety of beverages and dips.
if i did remember that
which i do not
i have to think the screaming people had more to do with that
and herding would be the wrong word
at the time i was playing just dance on the xbox with the kids
You can't just go hang out in other peoples' houses, Lou
i was made for loooovin lou baaaby
lou was made for loooovin meeeee
So whatever happened after they got into the house is somehow not your fault.
were talking about pretty dumb animals here rick
I'll say.
i dont think i like your tone
Next item on the agenda
It sounds like maybe we owe a magician and the parents of fifteen children an apology as well.
for what
There was something about a rabbit?
i dont see what that has to do with me
I don't know, all anyone saw was you leaping out of a hat
followed by the magician cursing like a sailor in three different languages, packing up his things, and storming out
woah woah woah
i did that man a favor
and in fact i think we all learned a powerful lesson about whether bunnies should have chickens as pets
Wait, what?
im just saying that guy isnt blameless here
just think how his bunny felt
or the chicken i guess
yeah
mostly the chicken
I don't understand.
maybe dont get into it
Right. Moving on to the cake.
ok hold up
i know what youre thinking and the fire trucks werent because of me
Why don't you explain to me what happened then.
so this bald guy set the cake on fire right
Probably Mr. Burgess. Lighting candles.
you know me and candles
I do.
anyway i see this little kid getting waaaaaaay too close
Probably Margot, blowing them out.
and so basically i saved her life
By screeching and leaping onto her face.
hero is as hero does rick
And what's this about the table getting knocked over
ok that was that weird dog
thats what im talking about man
i save this girl and she starts screaming
probably because it just hit her how close she just came to dying
and the dog freeeeeeaaaks out
plows straight through the table
And that's when the fire started?
i was on my way out at the time
didnt want to overstay my welcome
Of course.
politeness is key
but yes i heard people yelling fire as i was leaving
and frankly im not surprised
they had that crinkly paper ribbon everywhere
not only a fire hazard but terribly tacky
also another thing about that dog
it licks itself constantly
its disgusting
makes a gross noise
like a cow with a hair on its tongue
or a plunger in a toilet full of peanut butter
or you eating noodles
Okay Lou, I get it.
3:44 PM
so all of this has me thinking
what are you planning for my birthday party
I am locking you in a very small cage.
Possibly forever.
RickDickens77 has gone offline
i was thinking clown